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The Story of a Not-Mom

“Hold the baby, it’s a boy!” said the lady and handed me a peeing baby.

It was a Sunday. The service just ended and I was walking out the door. A good old neighbor lady walked past me with her daughter-in-law and her two-month-old grandson. I greeted her with good wishes, just like everyone does on a Sunday morning after Church. She should have pitied me, I guess. Her action proved that. On my greetings, she grabbed her peeing grandson from her daughter-in-law and handed him to me right in time for the infant to wet my dress. The scene was both fun and embarrassing.

Have you ever heard people say “it’s good luck if a newborn pees on you”? It’s a tradition here and in many other cultures too. Probably it came about as a way to console you when you get peed on. But somehow it grew hands and legs on its own and now someone has put a bindi to it. Yeah! Now it means “if you don’t have a baby and got to hold a peeing one, you’ll be blessed with a baby soon”.

You wouldn’t have any idea, how many peeing babies were put into my arms like that in my seven years of married life. Had the saying been true, I would have had conceived more than 7 times already. LOL!

There are women in society today who choose to be Not-Mom. I don't blame them. They may have their own reasons. But I’m not a Not-Mom by choice. It’s simply not happening yet. What would I do? Yeah! That’s right…Visit a Doctor.

Drenching in Tablets

I did, visit a doctor. Not just one but many. To whichever city I go, someone there pities me and takes me to their version of Famous Clinics; where the doctor first test tries me with the same set of tablets probably from different companies. Because the colors were different every time.  But when they find that the tablets dint click they proceed with several other experiments with tools and syringes. And miraculously the final test result would say all is okay and they advise me just to make some lifestyle changes. (Okay so from tomorrow I’m going to turn Western πŸ˜‰)

The Holy War

When the word spreads that my treatment was not fruitful, there comes a row of Holy people complaining, “You are not closer to God” “Are you going to church regularly?” Did you get blessings from the priest?” Thank you all. I do pray, but, I don’t have to do things for you to see. My God lives in me. I read my holy book which teaches me how to live. I always loved to interpret The Words in different ways to unlock their true message.

But those views apart, you know what happens when I go to the Church in my hometown? People stare at my tummy; probably to check if it had grown an inch from the previous week. Last month I deliberately had my tummy hid in my saree pallu, and a lady asked my mom how many months I’m with child. Haha, It’s my way of giving them a frog.

Ancient Curse?

Then there comes another bunch who warns me of the Previous Jenma Curse and asks me to do some parihara, like pouring milk  to Gods and offering spinach to cows!

Job Trials

As though the above atrocities were inadequate, the questions I had been asked in interviews topped the cake. “Why no children yet?” Like I know the answer for that. “If you get pregnant immediately after job confirmation, it would be a huge loss for our project”. Really?? Is it that easy? Hire me thenUngazhukku Punniyama Pogum. “No promotion until you get a baby”. Wait I shall get one readymade and come. It's better these recruiters put a note stating ‘married women without children don’t apply.'

The Unfortunate 30

Then I hear this. “Achacho, you have turned 30. Your genes, cells, kidneys, liver, and lungs are all getting old; how can you now bear a healthy baby?” My mom was 36 when my sister was born and to date, she’s the brightest charming star of my family and today no program begins in Loyola College without my sister’s prayer song!

Reclining on my couch at 31, quitting my job, part due to family’s pressure, part to turn western (the famous change in lifestyle 😁😜), part to become a saint (with Church and Sermon every day πŸ˜‰), and a little for myself, I wonder what actually is the problem with me and with everyone around.

Partial Solution – No hence proved yet

Thinking back on my married years, I somehow reach a semi-conclusion. It’s not just with your body and in following dates or in swallowing tablets. The major part is played by your mind and the minor part by your partner. The situations you undergo, the fear you get, the disappointments you face, the worry you nurture, etc. all have a role in hindering the natural flow of energy into your body that may make you unproductive. (I’m not an expert here, shall pen it all down when I find more answers and the right words to put it in another post.)

But to conclude,

I am denied so many wonderful things in my past 7 years – right from food to travel. Either denied or I should say, I was so obedient to sin, to follow all the instructions given to me, without a question, trying to be the good girl I’m expected to be.

I’m not a mom yet, but that does not permit you to question me or judge me. You know me, not my story. They say the world is changing, but for a woman, it is mostly the same with the same set of questions. Next time you meet me try to ask me about my job, talk about my achievements, discuss politics, include me in your travel diaries, invite me for a talk or call me for educating young minds. Don’t just give me that pity look and suggest some new doctors.  

It’s time to break the barriers and chase my dreams. Someday along my journey, the Heavens may open up and bless my womb. Until then, I shall stop not and chase my dreams.


  1. Well written meji. Surely sooner u ll b blessed with a baby as per ur desires.

    1. Thanks anna...Amen 😊 Appadiyae aagattum πŸ˜ƒ

  2. Good spirit Jella mam πŸ‘
    Go on your way to achieve your goals, it is our mind and soul that matters. Don't mind those words and looks.

    1. Thank you so much😊. True the mind and soul matters πŸ’ž

  3. Well said ka. Almighty never fails to give support for good soul. Soon you'll be blessed with male lion cub

  4. Acca you have penned down the most depressing and intolerable situations in a very casual and gentle way..
    Sadly, the society is constructed in poking their nose into others business..
    the truth is many don't actually ask in real concern or care thy just ask for their own entertainment or just to have a conversation..
    how can a boy child be a blessing when a girl child is not?? Who is creating al this patriarchy.. its d society we live in.. thy ask questions fr everything right fm our birth.. till v die.. it never stops..
    The tears of Hannah was seen as a murmuring of a drunkard women by Eli.. tat is tat society we live in.. thy judge and comment with no care.. no matter how many hearts break or how many die.. this is d terrible design we our sought to adjust with..

    I would say if u have a kid or no kid.. ur unstoppable.. ur God's perfect creation.. ur multi-talented.. let them see u in awe.. let them be confused by ur smiles, laughter and happiness.. al thy expect was a sad, self pitying Majella nothing else.. Keep going.. chase your dreams..

    1. Thank you Beulah, for your touching words 😍.

      Many doesn't realize that seeking happiness in others distress is a crime. More than half the population has that as a sport. Do whatever they want, i don't give a care about that. Like you said let the happiness confuse them πŸ˜„.

  5. Maklae
    Stars only write like this

    1. Mama, I shall try to live up to a star 🌟 πŸ˜ƒ thank u so muchπŸ€—

  6. You know what!! You've penned your thoughts so magnificent.

    I mean, u r a blessing that I look up to every single time whether you know it or not.

    You do productive things to see a glorious change in this world, even if it is to a very small circle.

    Keep producing Art more and more and though I be the last one to read it...I'll give the best review for ma angel sista!!

    1. Ummmah my sista😍😘😘 I know you'll be last for the day, n a lasting one to stayπŸ’žπŸ’

  7. When many would prefer to suffer in silence, you have expressed yourself so well and so boldly, creating the right impact on people around. Congrats makkale!

    I feel you have understood the essence of life. Pursue your goals with passion, heeding none of the distractors. Remember God has a Plan for everyone of us!

    Love and best wishes!

    Franklin S.

    1. Thanks mama for being a pillar of support.

  8. Great writing.....
    Am moved by seeing you the way your are holding yourself with so much of maturity, clarity, openness and acceptance. Good going...

    1. That's inspiring, so kind of you. Thank you so much for taking your time to read my post.

  9. No words, amazing as always!!πŸ’›

    Universe never gives up on pure , strong and stuborn heart like urs.❤

    1. Thank you so much dear, that line of yours is so touching πŸ’–πŸ™


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